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Pathways to Surrender – BDSM & Silent Meditation

Hello there. I’m Jason Tantra, and in this video I want to talk a little bit about my journey of exploring surrender or exploring sort of the opposite side of being in control. And for me, how BDSM – BDSM stands for bondage dominance and sadomasochism – how some of those techniques and practices really helped me alongside developing a silent meditation practice. How these two aspects really supported me in the place that I was in. So let me wind the clock back … About seven years ago, all of my life up till then, all the scripts that I had were “try harder”, “push harder”, “must”, “should”, and about force and power. And up to that point, everything I’d achieved in life, had been the rules that I was operating by in how to achieve those things. So I always remember learning from my parents, f you want something, you’ve got to work for it.

And especially in my corporate career, I had a corporate career for like 20 years. All of that was: if you want to to be promoted or you want to get the next leg up the ladder, you need to do better. You need to achieve, you need to push, you need to put in the effort. And about seven years ago, I got to a point where none of that was really working anymore. It felt like tyres going around in the mud or in the snow, and they just weren’t getting any traction. And that led to, I want to say a depression, but I don’t mean a complete depression, but a feeling of flat, a feeling of dark, a feeling of, yeah, flat, not sure. And gray, just utter gray. And every time I tried to try harder, it was like those wheels were skidding and I just wasn’t getting anywhere.

I felt like there was still so much more available in me that wanted to play, that wanted to interact with life and that wanted to experience more. But I’d really hit this kind of glass ceiling where I just felt like I couldn’t go anywhere. And also at this time, interestingly enough, I had a fear of flying and that for me was all about letting go of control. So I had issues with being in confined spaces and feelings of losing control, and all of that was very much intertwined, at that time. And for me, when we talk about the two different pathways of tantra, we sometimes talk about the divine masculine being about power, control, all the stuff I’d been doing. But it had reached its maximum capacity because actually, I wasn’t aware of or didn’t know of the opposite side that we call the divine feminine and that isn’t to be confused with, gender, but actually just two polarities: off and on, hot or cold, divine masculine, divine feminine. And in aspects of the divine feminine, there’s something in there about surrender. There’s something in there about devotion, humility, adoration, love and almost creating space and a container for more of the masculine to fit in. And basically where I was at was, because I was quite controlling and controlling for a variety of different reasons. One, controlling because of experiences I’d had around sexual abuse, a mental abuse in my childhood. And actually as an adult, I learned that not to make myself vulnerable, not to let anybody near me was the way to keep myself safe. And what I’d then developed there was, well, actually, if I take the lead, if I’m more powerful, if I’m pushing forward, then that’s going to get me what I want.

You know, as I said earlier, that all lasted to a certain point. And then there was this crossroads moment, and it didn’t happen like a bolt of lightning. It happened over a period of time,. I think the fear of flying: all of the courses, hypnotherapy, goodness, cognitive behavioral therapy to fix all of that. And at the same time, I started to tiptoe into some BDSM practices, and also at the same time, move into silent meditation. I experienced BDSM as a way to give up my power and a way to surrender and let somebody else take control. And although I had healthy consent, actually it was that feeling of surrendering, which was quite new to me.

You know, if you’ve ever heard of flogging, you know, flogging is typically seen as a bad thing. But actually for me, the way that I experience it and the way that I present it is, it has a way of taking you into a very altered state. It’s like you’re flying around the room. If you ever read the book, Dossy Eastern’s Radical Ecstasy, highly recommend , she articulates beautifully that relationship between BDSM and Tantra as spiritual practices. So if you’re interested, I highly recommend that. And it was in that surrender that I started to have an embodied feeling of what it was to let go, what it was to surrender, what it was, to do the reverse of trying, do the reverse of doing. But to actually sit back. And what I experienced in that was a real profound sense of knowing, a profound sense of bliss. And also some of the new rules that I came out with was that it’s okay not to always have to have an opinion.

Like especially, you know, in our western world, we are forced into having an opinion, having a view, and that can feel exhausting. And we can also sometimes live a life where we live on other people’s expectations of us, or other people’s societal expectations of us. Like if you’re in a group of friends or you’re with family or you are at work, there’s always these expectations of how you should behave and how you should conform. And at some point that just gets exhausting. And there are all kinds of scripts, some that are healthy, often many that are not, that are all based on other people’s projections of how you should be and how you should operate in this world. And for me, Tantra is highly political because it’s offering you the possibility to have freedom in a way where you let yourself go of the expectations that are placed upon you, and you are fully empowered to make choices of how it is you want to operate in the world. And there’s a process of an undoingness, undoing those expectations, actually undoing and letting go of different expectations that are made of you. And when you are able to tap into that, there is a huge liberation and there’s a huge freedom. And in that is also bliss. I’ve developed a meditation practice. I started a silent meditation practice about seven years ago, and before that, I’d done lots, nine years of active tantric meditations, kundalini meditations, and chakra breathing. And that had all been brilliant and lovely. And yet that got me so far, so far on the journey. And it was actually developing a silent meditation practice.

After seven years, I still feel like a complete beginner, but actually, I’ve come to depend upon the silence inside of myself as roots, as steel girders into being able to hold myself and being able to hold all of my power, all of my forcing energy actually to really develop the container that holds all of that. And for me, it’s only by staring into the void. And it’s only by being open to explore all of the things you might never say about yourself. You know, all of those things you’d never mention at dinner, to absolutely and deeply and profoundly go into those, all with the intention of knowing yourself more and exploring yourself and knowing yourself, and then having the freedom to make choices over how it is that you want to be. You know, when you start to master that, then nobody else can tell you anything again.

It’s a work in progress. Like I still find myself now still affected by other people or my expectations of how I should be or stresses. And actually, I have to keep doing the work to keep unpicking the hooks, the attachments, the parts of me that want or need or grasp. And to be in this process of surrender. When you are totally surrendered, when you totally let go, there’s bliss, there’s love, there’s awareness. And being in the world from that place is amazing. And I also remember yesterday I was talking about being in the now, there’s a newness to that quality that really enables you to have a joyful, happy life that has, it has like a root to it that feels like the truth, the truth of who you are. That for me is some of the amazing progression that’s available for you on the tantric path. So listen, I hope this serves you. This idea of how BDSM and silent meditations are one and the same thing that can help you into these doorways of surrender. Take care. Thank you. Bye bye.

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